Love?

I turned on my hair trimmer.

It was the only sound in the neighborhood. The time was 3 AM and I couldn’t sleep. Because it was a big day; a wedding day.

The reception was 15 hours away, but the anxiety had already started. I kept telling myself that I ain’t ready for this. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked sick. I haven’t taken bath for 3 days, been wearing unwashed clothes, haven’t cut my hair nor trimmed my beard for more than 2 months.

I looked like an ascetic.

Apart from the light in my toilet, there was a glimmer on my bed. It was a faint light from my laptop. The laptop screen showed a blank page of Microsoft Word.

The wind from my bedroom window rustled the papers on my bed. Some were crushed, some torn and some had a strike. I had been going crazy of late.

My life hasn’t been proper in the recent past. I have started hating newspapers, Amazon, Goodreads, and all book review groups on Facebook. I’ve even deleted my Twitter account. Everywhere on Instagram, on Facebook, on WhatsApp, memes about me flourished. People started saying that ‘I’ve lost touch’.

Amidst all these, the wedding was happening. Can the Almighty be crueler than this?

I stared at myself in the mirror. My trimmer was still running.

I walked into my bedroom and took my laptop. I began to type something. But after every word that I typed, I hit backspace and deleted it. The word document was blank again.

Is it the end of my career? Do I have writer’s block as pointed out by people across the world? Why did my work suddenly stop selling?

I was going mad without an answer. I didn’t know what to write about.

I turned on the light, and the invitation caught my sight.

I slowly reached out for it.

‘Reception: 6PM. Codissia Hall A.’ was written on the cover. It was addressed to Anirudh. Heck, that’s not even my name. It’s the name of my best friend.

I went back into the toilet. The trimmer was still running. I pulled it closely near my chin. I smiled. I knew that’s trouble. I took the trimmer away and turned it off.

I went outside and looked at an object that was gift-wrapped. I took it in my hands and stared at it for a while.

I went back to my laptop and typed ‘Love’. I paused and reached out for the invitation. I opened the invitation and saw the card.

‘Reena Weds Rishi’ was written. Yes, my ex-girlfriend was getting married. And I bought a gift for a wedding that I wasn’t even invited for!

I opened my wardrobe and it was filled with suits. From Blackberry to Raymond, the collection was plentiful. But I chose to wear a shirt and a jean.

I went back to the mirror. I looked like an ascetic wearing pressed clothes. I didn’t want to be noticed. I just wanted to see her happy. I didn’t want to show up neat because I was scared she’d fall for my smile just like how she had when we were in school.

It was 5PM. I hadn’t moved from my bed. I didn’t know why I was doing this. I have got my own life to take care of. Until now, I didn’t bother what was happening in her life.  But, she was the one who gave wings to my writing. I wouldn’t have had the glory or the fame that I have now had I not written my first draft venting my pain out.

I kept telling myself that I’m doing this as a way of thanking her. For making me grammatically sound, and for instilling the feeling of love in me. I could have never experienced one otherwise.

But of all the gifts in the world, why did I have to get her that? Doesn’t it imply that I still have feelings towards her?

What the hell am I thinking? I don’t have feelings towards her. She’s just yet another person who happened to be my schoolmate.

But I never went to weddings that I was even invited for!

My thought couldn’t come to a rest. I couldn’t find peace. People who commit suicide must feel like this before the act.

The thought of doing and not doing it was already killing me. But like many, I decided to take the plunge.

I parked my bike in front of a giant hoarding. Their names were written in block letters and their picture accompanied the writing.

She hadn’t changed at all. The nerdishness was dancing all over her face. I stood there watching it. How much would I give to soul-swap with Rishi? I still don’t understand why I like her, still. There have been too many hot girls that I’ve come across. People have gone gaga over my writing and have invited me to spend nights with them. But, my heart doesn’t allow me.

I once did make out on purpose. But I walked out even before the act was performed. I don’t know why I was behaving strangely. But I always thought she was my lobster!

The entrance to the gate was filled with graphics on either side. It was about how they met, fell in love, and finally have decided to spend the rest of their lives together.

I saw each of those graphics. It was all about ‘We talked about books’, ‘we talked about movies’ etc.. It was so stupid. Can someone fall in love just because they have common interests? Heck, he’s not even half-handsome as me.

Or maybe, they would. The opposite attraction of magnets is physics, not chemistry. For the bonding of love to happen, there’s more than just liking each other. I kept fighting with my own self. I was ready to move the world to prove that I’m her better half.

I climbed the steps that lead to the wedding hall. Beautiful girls draped in sarees invited me in. They did not know I was an uninvited guest. The gift in my hand would only make people think I was invited.

The wedding hall was crazy. People were laughing, hugging each other, kept ensuring their clothes were speckless, clicked selfies over and over, sipping the welcome drinks, bragging about their life etc..

But the wedding hall had one thing in common; happiness. People had come to grace the joyous occasion. There was just one person who was not happy about all this. How could I be? Afterall, I’m a human being too. I have emotions too. I dreamt of building a castle for her. A castle alongside a beach with two people. Her and I. She was my queen, my angel. But now, she’s deserted me.

A well-dressed lady served me welcome drinks. I took one and found the corner most seat in the last row. I didn’t want to be identified. I even put on a cap like it would make me invisible in the crowd.

A drone camera was flying around capturing the audience. Every time it came near me, I’d put my face down. But that was just enough for my friends to identify me who came in tandem to ask me the same question;

‘What the hell are you doing here?’

They knew that my unshaven face was just enough to tell that I’m not really happy about the proceedings.

But I kept defending myself saying that I was present just because it was my schoolmate’s wedding. They started coming out with a list of weddings that I did not attend.

Anirudh was not at all happy about my presence. I wasn’t even present at his wedding. He regretted giving the invitation to me. But, I pestered him to give it to me.

The orchestra started playing. And I knew it was the time the bride would come on stage. As always, all the songs that they played were romance numbers. They were one of the leading music band in the city. The guests sang along with them.

I was tapping my feet. I saw it as a way to control my anxiety. Just then, the stage went dark.

There were two spotlights on either end of the stage. The entire auditorium turned their attention towards the stage. The drone too was flying above the stage.

From the bottom, the bride and the groom emerged onto the stage. He was wearing a ‘made-to-measure’ suit and she… she couldn’t be described in simple words. The last time I saw her, she was in a blue uniform with double-plaited hair. Today, she is in this red saree with yellow borders. Her hair flowing from her head neatly down below her shoulders. The jewels were no match for the beauty of her face. She was stunning! She was sparkling. She herself was a jewel.

The pedestals they were on, had a ‘half-heart’ behind. The decibels from the speakers gained and the pedestal began moving towards each other. Everybody was clapping in sync.

There were whistles and cries and the environment was on fire.

When both the pedestals came to a rest, it formed a ‘heart’ shape at the back. The confetti was fired at that moment and people were just fixated on what was happening on stage.

It was just magical for a writer like me. It is like the best scene any romantic book could have.

But because she was involved, it didn’t have a good effect on me. I couldn’t swallow what I was seeing. It was like this lump had formed in my throat. It was painful and irritating at the same moment.

I couldn’t wait no more. I really wanted her to see me. I wanted her to feel that this wedding was a mistake. I wanted her to be that Rachel who walked out of her own wedding. I wanted her to throw her garlands away and come running at me. I wanted her to hug me and kiss me in front of everybody. I wanted her parents to feel that we both are made for each other and that we should live together.

I wanted her so much! But, just at the wrong moment.

She’s someone else’s now.

What would I not sacrifice to get back with her?

The gift just fell down when I was losing myself in my thoughts. Just then, I knew. I had the magical weapon that had the capability to change everything. I should just unwrap it and give it to her. I’m sure she’d start crying on seeing that and call off the wedding.

I tore the wrapper in a hurry. I scurried from my seat and went against the voice of my friends who kept saying ‘Come back here now’.

Suddenly someone was tapping the microphone and the orchestra came to an abrupt stop. A strange voice emerged from the speakers.

It was Rishi. He took the microphone in his hand and started speaking.

‘Friends and family, thank you for joining us today. It looks like just yesterday I saw her sitting alone in the library reading a book. She was reading the one I wanted to borrow. I had been searching for that book for three weeks and I was destined to meet her because of it. Having come from an all-boys school, it really was difficult for me to talk with a girl. And she looked way out of my league. My heart was pounding and my legs were trembling. I didn’t even know how to ask. But her cuteness scared me. I kept thinking she’d badge me as a ‘flirt’, the moment I start speaking with her. But I wanted that book so much. So, I mustered up courage and went straight to her. Maybe, that was the turning point in my life. Without even a ‘hi’, I asked if I could borrow the book.

She told me she’d notify me once she’s done reading it. It was then when I had run the fastest. I didn’t even say ‘thanks’ and ran-off like the building was on fire.I didn’t want to be noticed anywhere near her.

Three days later, we happened to meet at the college canteen. I turned my face and acted like I didn’t take notice of her. She happened to cross me when I just turned around and she noticed me. She told me that she had returned the book.

I hurried to the library and borrowed it before anybody could take it.

A few days later, I was sitting under a tree and reading the book late in the evening when she happened to pass by. She came to me and said that she thought I was just trying to make a conversation. My worst fear had come true. I just smiled and went back to reading. I didn’t know how to react.

She stretched the conversation and asked me how I’m finding the book. That interested me but I was still coming out with one-liners. As fate would have it, she asked me yet another question which brought us together. It was who my favorite author was. I remember speaking for about an hour and a half that day with her. This time that weird feeling wasn’t there.

We had the same taste. We chose good books. We discussed the books all the time. Soon, I began looking forward to meeting her every evening. I began stalking her and followed her on Instagram. I didn’t even want her to follow me back, I just wanted her to reply to my texts. We started talking about the books, television series, movies and what not. It was amazing to see someone with my own taste. She was like the cheese on my bread. Her presence made it tastier. Soon, I lost myself to her. Every time my mobile vibrated, I’d secretly wish it was her.

And most often, it was. I’d always wish to start my mornings with her ‘Good morning’ texts and wish to end my day with her ‘Goodnight’ texts. I was scared I was boring her sometimes. I wanted to ask her out. But, I just couldn’t. I didn’t have the courage to.

I didn’t even have the audacity to drop hints. I started talking about romantic films. I kept telling her that I’d be this person from this film. She was just stretching the conversation without even deciphering what I was trying to say.

February had come. A girl like her would receive a lot of proposals. In fact, she always used to tell me that she’s annoyed with texts that she’s receiving from unknown people. I would be terrified because most of the guys who had texted her were either smart or handsome. I was insecure. I convinced myself that I should propose without second thoughts.

It was Valentine’s. A day when most classrooms would be empty. But, I called her to the same tree where we first met. I stood below that with my guitar.

I had made a song using all the book titles that she loved. I took my guitar and sang it in front of her. Her moist eyes were just enough to tell me that’d my life is going to be beautiful.

And that has brought us here today. This bond is just going to make me spend the rest of my life with her. And on this joyous occasion which I kept wishing for, I have two gifts for her.’

He then started singing the song and the crowd was clapping in rhythm. She became teary-eyed again and hugged him tightly.

He then knelt down on one knee and took out a diamond ring from his pocket.

‘I know this isn’t romantic. But I wanted to do this. Remember how much we love ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S and I always used to tell you that you’re my Monica? So here it goes. Reena, I thought it mattered when or where I said it but then I realized that the only thing that matters is you. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Will you marry me?’

The crowd squealed. She was stupefied. Even I was!

‘Now don’t say ‘No’ and embarrass me’ said he.

Everybody was laughing at the joke. I was laughing at my own self.

She said ‘Yes’ and the ring was on her finger soon.

I was a fool to think that she’ll come back to me.

And then I realized that I shouldn’t have come to the wedding. Not just because she loves someone, but because she’s even happier with someone else alongside her. I could have never made her feel special. I just wouldn’t have connected with her. Apart from both of us liking each other, we didn’t have anything in common.

She had found her nest. From now, they are going to be singing happily in their nest. I was a bird too. But, I sat perched on the opposite branch and envying the male bird. I was seeing them sharing joy and happiness with each other. And I felt its time I flew away from that tree.

I hesitated to take another step forward. The stage was quite distant from where I stood. All the guests were filing in a line to convey their wishes and hand over their gifts.

I concealed mine and turned around.

Photographs were taken every passing second. I didn’t want to be in one. I wanted to leave no trace of my presence. I wanted it to be like a perfect murder. But there isn’t one always, isn’t it?

As I was nearing the exit, I heard a ‘whizzing’ sound.

It was the drone. It was flying above me. I instantly turned towards the large screen that was near the stage. I found myself visible to the entire crowd. I turned to her to see if her attention was on the screen. She had turned her face towards the exit. She had found me.

‘Mam, please see the camera’ said the cameraman.

Her radiance went down quickly. She was giving this ‘fake smile’ for the camera.

That was enough for me!

I stepped down the stairs and walked against the crowd that was going in to celebrate the sacred bond. I couldn’t describe my emotion. It was mixed. It was like the sun shining when it was raining. I was happy, but I was sad too. Happy that she’s found someone and sad that I’m not a part of her life anymore.

I didn’t want to cry. I always believed a grown-up crying is none but a child. I was pushing my bike back. I tried my best not to look at the hoarding. I started it and scooted away as fast as possible.

I don’t remember how I drove till my home. My thoughts were somewhere else. But, I had reached safely.

I went into my bedroom and threw the gift on my bed. I couldn’t control my emotions. It was like the dam was full and was about to overflow. The gates had to be opened in order to stop the flooding.

And so, I did. I kept crying till the tears went dry; till my voice went hoarse. I cried like a baby would, after having suffered an injury. The pain for me although, was inside. It was like Reena clutching my heart and pulling it out.

I was back to normal soon and decided to refresh. Just then, the gift caught my eye. I laughed at myself yet again.

Why did I have to get this gift? It would have ruined her life and her marriage had I given it to her. Thank god, I walked out. It all began with that gift!

I had bought her a ‘P.S. I Love You’ book!

I went to my washroom and turned on my trimmer. I looked ghastly and badly need a shave. As the blades were mowing my hair, my mind traveled to the past.

Rishi and I did have things in common. I remember the day when I stepped into my school library for the very first time. I had to submit a book that my teacher had asked me to borrow for a project reference. I saw her for the first time that day.

She was immersed in her book. I didn’t know what book it was. But she was smiling and laughing sometimes when reading it. Her dimples showed up every time she’d smile. She looked beyond explanation.

The bell rang and she placed the book on the shelf and walked past me without even noticing that I was seeing her.

Ever since then, I started following her. Most of my lunch breaks would be spent inside a library. I would pull out a book, sit parallel to her and watch her read. I would think about Tamil movies where the male and the female lead would take the same book and fall in love. But, that never happened.

My friends forced me to confess. But, I didn’t know how to surprise her. I’ve not even spoken to her. I consulted my sister and asked her about her favorite love story.

That’s how I ended up gifting her the book. I was secretly hoping that she hadn’t read that. And thank god, she hadn’t. And that’s how it all began.

I came to my senses. I was half-shaved. I just kept the trimmer down and had a brilliant idea. I saw myself in the mirror and this newfound gloom had struck on my face.

Why does it matter who she is with? Does that mean I should just stop loving her? Don’t daughters love their parents even after getting married? I still loved her.

I wanted to give her the perfect gift. I wanted the world to know that love doesn’t end. I wanted her to know how much I love her. I was happy just with the memories. The time I  spent with her only brought a smile on my face. It was magical. It was like the rain had stopped and this soft sun-rays falling on me.

This is it! I’m going to do this, I said to myself. I wanted to tell the world my story yet again.

I wanted to release it on her birthday and make her feel special. This was all I could do. I’d at least be a part of her life as a book. I’d give her a gift nobody in this world ever could. I hoped she comes to my book launch.

So, I went to my bed, took my laptop and opened it. The empty word document with the word ‘Love’ written on it was seen. I smiled at it. I took the cursor before ‘Love’ and typed,

‘A beautiful thing called’.

This story is a prequel to ‘A Beautiful Thing Called Love’. You can find the story here.